From Experience to Knowledge

When God initially laid it on my heart to be a nurse, I never linked it to my outreach for Bipolar Disorder.  In fact, I didn’t know what He was thinking.  It wasn’t a field that I had ever wanted to be in.

Now I see.  As I study through some of these books on the topic of Bipolar Disorder, I understand more fully what they are talking about. It is making more sense to me.  I have a curiosity to dive in deep and really research information, diagnosis, treatments, and find physiological links to real life situations.    

I am still learning.  You can see that.  My main witness to you is to have lived with it for so long.  I hope that continues to be of help to you but I hope even more in the future I can explain things more fully to where you understand why we act or behave the way that we do.

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There is a passage that I would like to share with you from the book, “The Bipolar Child” by Demitri Papolos, M.D. and Janice Papolos.  In defining the syndrome they make several points.  One of which being:

“A low threshold for frustration in situations that require sustained attention and effort as well as problems with postponement of immediate gratification, such as difficulty waiting one’s turn, with changes in planned activities, or with denial of expressed needs.  This deficit, combined with poorly regulated attentional focus, often results in maladaptive responses, such as seeming not to listen, interrupting or intruding on others, and oppositional/defiant behavior, or, in the extreme, temper tantrums and aggressive rage attacks followed by sullen withdrawal and remorse.”

Granted this sounds more like a response for children but this is something that I can definitely relate to.  I do have a “low threshold” for frustration.  I’ve known that for a long time and so I deal with it by trying not to put myself in overly frustrating places. However, sometimes that is something you can’t help. 

The need for immediate gratification and waiting one’s turn, I also relate to.  As an adult, I don’t think it is always as visible to others but is there just the same. 

One thing that is huge and I never knew how to explain to friends is the “poorly regulated attentional focus”.  I have had friends act like I hadn’t listened to what they where saying even though I did, and I have had times where I just can’t focus on what someone is saying.  They can talk for several minutes and then I’ll say “what did you say?’  I loose complete attention and my mind wonders on to something else.  Staying focused is very difficult at times.

As far as the “aggressive attacks”, mine are more like short tempered frustration.  I will hurt my friend’s feelings by my cutting remarks or annoyance only to feel bad about it minutes later.   Most everyone has been pretty forgiving, understanding that I was frustrated but it is still difficult to deal with. 

I think knowing this kind of information is helpful because it grounds you.  At the times that I am irritable and feel aggressive, I know it is just a mood and that it will pass. I know that I will feel bad about it later and so I know not to get carried away with the “feeling”.  I have heard of other people who have gotten so frustrated though that they broke a television or swung at a spouse or loved one.  Some people make big scenes and show off.  We all react to it differently according to our nature but even with that, knowing what to expect in our own behavior is half the battle in not letting it get out of control.

Bipolar is known for being an “Explosive” behavioral problem.  It does not have to be that way though.  There are many people in the world that have this disorder that you would not know do.  You can manage your behavior.  It is not always easy, but accepting where you are and getting full treatment are the first two steps.

Know that you are not alone and that you can do this.  Everyday I see more fully how far I have come, and granted it is frustrating to face that we ever had to deal with it in the first place but who doesn’t have something that they deal with!

 

Works sited:  Papolos, M.D., Demitri; and Janice Papolos.  The Bipolar Child, The Definite and Reassuring Guide to Childhood’s Most Misunderstood Disorder.  New York, NY: Broadway Books, 1999. Print

The Desire to Push Through

The last couple of weeks I have been at my breaking point with work and school.  I made the mistake of setting up a schedule that did not allow for any “fun” time.  That and the pressure of not having enough of me to go around has really been stressful, to the point that I have just wanted to quit.  Wanting to quit is something common for me.

When I was younger, I went to a school to be a hair stylist.  I stayed about 2 months.  I have worked as a secretary.  I have worked for an investment company, a hotel and as a home health aide.  Once I even worked for a Christian radio station.  That was a fun job, and one that I thought I would have for a really long time.  But even that job I left.

Nothing was right.  From the time that I was diagnosed, I never found anything that was worth working through. 

Last week, I felt so DONE.  My spirit and everything in me just broke.  I couldn’t care anymore.  I had to let everything go…at least in spirit.  I don’t know exactly what changed then but I knew that I wasn’t going to walk away.  All I could think in my frustration and annoyance was “I want to do this. I’m going to do this. I’m not giving up.” 

This is the first time since I was diagnosed that I feel this driven about what I am doing.

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I think when bad things happen to you, you begin to feel defeated.  I know, for me, it was like trying to find something to prove that I belonged and was needed – that I wasn’t a failure or broken like I felt.  I didn’t really believe in myself, and I am only now beginning to learn how to.

I think after a time of feeling really defeated in life you need a moment that you have to push through, a moment where you have to really fight for what it is you want.  And sometimes that means realizing what it is you want.

For me, I want to be a nurse.  I will be a nurse and I will be good at it. 

Life is about chances.  It is about risks.  It is about faith.  Life is about desire.

Back to the Books

Well after several months away from school. I am back.  I have missed it.
School is trying, stressful and time consuming but it gives me such a feeling of purpose.
I love what we are constantly learning.

I am curious what challenges you.  What makes you feel competent?  What makes you feel like an achiever?  What makes you feel whole and like you are where you need to be?

We all need moments like this.  I think we are all more capable than we give ourselves credit for.

Standing Under the Stigma

Most of the jobs I have had, I made a point not to share that I have Bipolar Disorder. 

Today I started a job though that knows that I have it.

When I thought about it, I realized how many others there also have it.  I wondered if they were as honest as I was.  I hadn’t planned to be.  My understanding is that it is my personal business and I am not obligated to tell it.  Maybe I’m wrong. I haven’t checked the laws, but I do know this.  I feel much free-er knowing that they know.

The nurse that first discussed with me the need to have written documentation from a doctor stating that I was stable, literally stuttered over her words.

I wondered when I returned with that documentation if she was surprised or not.  She was friendly.  That is definitely true and she made me feel comfortable, but I know she had thoughts and opinions about me because of it.  Everyone does.

Freedom from the stigma that comes with this disorder seems to come only when we stand up under it, letting our stability and success prove that we are not limited to or controlled by it.

I learned that I shouldn’t be hurt or offended by these reactions but that instead see them as the challenge they are, the opportunity to prove otherwise.

My Thoughts on Stacy Schuler ...Ohio Gym Teacher Jailed for Sex With Students

Ohio Gym Teacher Jailed for Sex With Students - ABC News

 Stacy Schuler is a Mason Ohio Gym teacher that was recently convicted of having sex with her students. Stacy blamed her behavior on the fact that she was bipolar and was taking the antidepressant, Zoloft.  She sat in the courtroom dressed like she was ready for class to begin and even though parents were tearing up over her behavior with their sons, I noticed very little remorse from her.

How could she sit there calmly as though she did not even regret her reactions?  How could she show no remorse, or regret?


Stacy chose to have sex with these students not because she was bipolar but because she chose to.

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I chose to speak out about my illness to bring encouragement and awareness. As difficult as it has been to step forward and be open and honest about my experience with this illness, anything that I state, anything that I share and every example of success that is given is only undone by statements like Stacy Schuler's.

There are certain qualities that  are indeed present when you have any type of disorder or illness like this.  Those things do need to be taken into consideration but they are not avenues for excuse.


If you have bipolar disorder, you are not alone but you do have a responsibilty, and it is up to you to meet that responsiblity whether through treatment, action or exhibiting responsible control.

The Pause

I know I haven't written in a while. I am really sorry about that.  Tonight is going to be more of the same. I really don't have anything specific to say other than I am still here.

I do want to ask for prayer though for those who read or follow.  So far in this blog, I have shared my thoughts on a daily basis. I haven't described the illness itself or given recommendations for treatment options.  These are all things that I definitely want to do.  I also have felt the need to be open about sharing my story with others through speech.  For many years this has been on my heart and something I knew I would do some day, even before being diagnosed.  But for some reason, now I have turned into a complete chicken and have frozen from activity.

I don't really fear speeking in front of people. Actually I tend to get a charge from it. I think my biggest concern right now is knowing where to begin or how.  Each audience you speak to would require a different twist.  My story isn't just about bipolar disorder and what it has been like to deal with, my story is about faith and overcoming a lack of it.

Photo by Judy Royal Glenn...author of http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

When I was diagnosed, I was very mad at God.  I didn't understand how He could let this happen to me. I had given Him my life to use as He wished. I would have been a missionary, a preacher's wife, a teacher or what ever.  I didn't think that what ever would mean mental illness and devastation though.  I have learned through this that getting what you want is not what makes you have a good relationship with your savior.  I have learned that knowing He is with you when you are living through the one thing you definitely don't want, is what makes your relationship with Him special. 

I couldn't understand why God would let this happen to me until now.  This may not be glamorous or desirable, but it is my mission field and it is needed. I am a testimony of God's love and deliverance and I will stand to state that to anyone I need to.  God does love you! He loves you more than you will ever know. His hand is there to guide and direct you, if you let Him.  He knows you are hurting. He knows that you are in pain, and He actually grieves over that.

I know that is hard to grasp when we know that He is God and He is who allows things to happen but we don't always need to know the why's in life.  Sometimes we just have to trust Him in it.  I would not give "this" up for anything, because I know what He is doing through it and it is worth all the crap that I have gone through to see Him do it. 

So, even in the midst of this "pause" that I have taken, please know that I am still here and still moving forward.  (I guess I had more to say than I realized.)

Your sister in life and in Christ,
Laura ~

Pray Also For Me

Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. Ephesians 6:19